I have sat down at the keyboard many, many, many times to write this post.
At first it was too painful, maybe a little bit embarrassing.
But I’m ready.
The truth is . . .
I lost myself.
For 5 mths I didn’t recognize myself.
I forgot what it felt like to smile,
to feel happy,
to feel joy.
I distanced myself from those that loved me.
I pushed people away.
I felt I had nothing to offer anyone.
It was painful to see the reflection staring back at me in the mirror.
I questioned my purpose, I questioned my path. I questioned myself.
I felt the pain . . . even when I really didn’t understand where it was coming from.
I sat with the pain for days, weeks, months and for the first time in my life instead of running from it, I really, really felt it.
I cried for never feeling good enough,
for never being that “perfect” girl I have always wanted to be.
I cried for the pain I have been carrying around about just how difficult it was to suffer from an Eating Disorder.
I cried for my failed my marriage.
I cried for the last 2 years and how difficult it has been to be on my own.
I never cry.
But I let myself cry.
And it was exactly what I needed.
I needed to recognize that as much as I want to portray that I have it all together and that I am a strong girl who can take whatever life throws at her . . .
Sometimes I’m just not.
And that’s ok . . . It’s more than ok . . . it’s human.
I’m in a good place now.
But I needed that time to be lost to realize that’s it’s ok to be lost.
Because it really is.
Sometimes we need to lose ourselves to find ourselves again.
I have found love,
The path is not always straight but eventually we find our way.
I’ve missed this little space
but I’ve found my way back.